Beneath the Anger

In this episode, I open up about my relationship with anger and the parts of myself I wasn’t always proud of. For a long time, I didn’t know how to express what I was feeling, so it came out as frustration, silence, or reaction.

We explore how anger is often just the surface — and what’s underneath is hurt, fear, or feeling unseen. I also share how my environment shaped the way I processed emotions, and what it looked like to take accountability and start responding differently.

It’s an invitation to reflect, understand your emotions, and approach yourself with more awareness — just as I’ve learned to sit with mine instead of suppressing or reacting.

Transcript

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Welcome to Bear Bold in Becoming. I'm your host Jenny and this is the space to embrace your truth, heal, and step into who you're meant to be. Let's explore lessons, growth, and wisdom together and live boldly in our authenticity. In this episode, I open up about my relationship with anger and the parts of myself I wasn't always proud of. For a long time, I didn't know how to express what I was feeling, so it came out as frustration, silence, or reaction. We explore how anger is often just the surface, and what's underneath is hurt, fear, or feeling unseen. I also share how my environment shaped the way I processed emotions and what it looked like to take accountability and to start responding differently. It's an invitation to reflect, understand your emotions, and approach yourself with more awareness, just as I've learned to sit with mine instead of suppressing or reacting. So I'm feeling a little under the weather lately, and my voice is a bit congested and muffled. So I'm trying to record this so that way I'm not falling way behind. So bear with me. Alright, let's get into it. This is a very hot topic. I think a lot of people go through this emotion of anger, and a lot of us don't really take the time to process it. So what anger looked like for me was when I think back to how anger showed up in my life, I realized my anger didn't start loud. I'm not the type of person that would like scream at someone or react in a very aggressive way in the beginning. It started with silence, like holding things in, telling myself it's not worth saying something or anything. But the more I suppress my emotions, the louder the anger became as it accumulated. I grew up in a household where feelings weren't ever talked about. So when emotions did come up, I didn't know how to process them. As I got older, especially in relationships and friendships, I struggled to express myself. If something bothered me, I wouldn't talk about it. I try to avoid it, hoping that by the next day the problem or the feeling would just disappear. But feelings don't work like that. They don't vanish, they get stored in your subconscious mind. So gradually all that suppression will build up. I started becoming more short-tempered, easily frustrated, and sometimes even shutting down. Looking back now, I can honestly say I didn't know how to express what I felt. So it came out as anger. Eventually, I let whatever was in my head come straight out. No pauses, no filter. If something bothered me, I would say it. Some people even thought I was too blunt or too direct, but in my mind, I felt like I was just being real and honest. Now I understand that it wasn't just me being too honest, it was built-up emotions finally spilling over, and it could have been communicated in a better way. So when I started reflecting on my anger, it became clear that it didn't just come from just one place or one moment. A lot of therapists will recommend like looking back at your childhood and like your upbringing or the environment you were in and how that would shape how you are as you grow older. So emotions weren't really something we talked about in my family. And if you don't talk about your feelings, you as a kid would not know how to process that. So a good example is when you're out in public and you see like a toddler, he or she is upset throwing tantrums, and the parent is just trying to like stop them, but really the kid is throwing a tantrum because they want something, they need something, and they just don't know how to process that or communicate that when emotions were never talked about, never really take the time to articulate what that child needs. So think of that accumulating as you're growing older. So if I would get frustrated or upset, I often struggle to find the right words to even explain what I was feeling. And I think part of that was also fear. Fear that if I spoke up, I wouldn't be understood, or that expressing myself would only make things worse. When people don't know how to manage their own emotions, their response will come out with more tension or more reaction. So instead of expressing myself, I learned to avoid it. I also didn't feel emotionally safe sharing how I felt. Even something as simple as like tone affected me. I didn't like when people spoke loudly, and growing up I was surrounded by that often, and maybe part of that was cultural too. In many Asian households, people naturally speak louder, but as a kid, it didn't really feel normal to me. It felt more like someone's yelling at me, even when that may not have been the intention. I feel energy deeply, so I tend to pick up on people's tone, their mood, and like their emotional shifts very quickly. When you're in a tense environment, that energy kind of settles in your body as well. Gradually, that constant exposure builds stress that you might not even notice you're carrying. I also grew up witnessing behaviors that didn't sit right with me either. There were moments when I could see things happening that didn't align with my values. But because I was the youngest in my family, I was often told to stay quiet. You know, and being silenced like that taught me early on that my voice didn't always matter. Another piece of the puzzle was the friend groups I surrounded myself with. Back then, many of the people I spent time with and I was hanging out with carried this tough confrontational energy. There was always a sense of tension, like being on edge and ready for a conflict at any moment. And when we went out to parties, it was pretty much a common thing that we give strangers this hard look or even walking around like they had something to prove. And sometimes that behavior would escalate into fights. Being around that kind of atmosphere consistently started to shape how I saw the world. It made that toughness feel more normal. Like being defensive was necessary just to protect yourself. And looking back now, I can clearly see how much of those surroundings influenced my mindset. When you're exposed to confrontation for a while, you begin absorbing that. And over time I noticed changes in myself too. I became more vocal, quicker to react to small things, and more willing to match someone else's negative energy, even when situations didn't really call for it. There were moments where I responded aggressively or spoke without thinking, reacting before fully understanding what was happening. These buildup tensions that you carry every day started to feel more normal, and it started showing up in my conversations, my relationships and situations that didn't actually call for that level of defensiveness. So it wasn't just my upbringing or the people I surrounded myself with. A lot of the anger I carried also came from my past relationships. Some of it came from incompatible relationships. Being with someone who wasn't aligned with me emotionally or mentally. When you're not aligned with someone, small disagreements will turn into triggers and tension slowly starts building up over time. Instead of resolving the root issues, they pile up and eventually that weight starts showing up in how you react. When I felt frustrated in relationships, I didn't know how to handle it. There were moments where I would shut down completely, unable to find the right words to really explain or communicate the feelings. Other times I would break down emotionally because I'm overwhelmed and frustrated, unable to communicate clearly. Then the next day I'd brush things off like nothing happened. You know, avoiding the conflict and avoiding the difficult conversations that you're supposed to have at the moment and avoiding my own emotions pretty much. But avoidance doesn't remove the problem, it just delays it. And when emotions are delayed, they build the pressure underneath the surface. Another area where anger built up was through betrayal from being cheated on and being lied to and feeling disrespected by people I trusted at different points in my life. Those kinds of experiences leave a mark because when someone breaks your trust, it changes how you see people moving forward. You become more guarded, more cautious, and more defensive because you're trying to protect yourself from feeling that same kind of pain again. And when the heart isn't processed or released, it follows you into the next relationship and then the next, shaping how you respond in conversations or conflict before anything even happens. Betrayal alone changes you and it teaches your heart to protect itself. Being in an abusive relationship, whether emotional, verbal, or physical, added another layer to my anger. It wasn't just anger about the situation itself, but anger about what had happened to me and what I allowed and what I endured. I carry anger toward that person, toward the memories, and sometimes even towards myself. There were guilt that came with it. You know, guilt for not leaving sooner and ignoring the red flags when it was very present and staying longer than I should have. Along with that, guilt came resentment. Resentment towards the other person for the pain they have caused and resentment towards the time that I have lost. Carrying that kind of resentment made it difficult for me to be fully present, whether that be friendships or future partnerships. Part of me stayed guarded, holding on to that grudge, and I can see that some of the reactions I had later on weren't really about the moment I was in. They were emotions that I carried over from the past. The pain that hadn't been released, anger that hadn't been processed. Each experience added another layer, unspoken emotions from my childhood, learned behaviors from the people around me, and unresolved hurt from past relationships. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that people will always trigger you. Anger often feels like the easiest reaction because it feels natural. When someone pisses you off, you naturally respond with something more defensive or aggressive or more angry, right? So boundaries will be tested, patience will be pushed, that part of life never really stops. For years I lived in suppression. It looked like saying, I'm fine when I really wasn't, and avoiding conversations, avoiding conflict, and keeping everything bottled up inside. But when emotions stay buried, they don't disappear, eventually it'll come out at the wrong moment or even in a wrong way with the wrong intensity, right? The shift began when I started noticing how I was showing up. Not because I wasn't being real, but because I was more reactive in ways that I didn't like. So facing those wounds slowly releases the anger you have attached to them. It doesn't happen overnight, obviously, and it's a process of relearning behaviors and practicing new responses and also integrating them piece by piece. That meant learning to pause before reacting, to communicate instead of shutting down, and to expand my emotional vocabulary, saying things like, I feel overwhelmed instead of snapping, I need a moment instead of reacting. Healing didn't mean I stopped feeling anger, it meant I stopped letting it control me. Over time I began showing up differently. I responded with more calm, and I carefully chose my words when I am in a conflict. And sometimes learning to walk away may be one of your strongest moves. That's a different kind of strength, you know, one that comes from awareness, from communication, and from vulnerability. Being real isn't just about honesty, it's about being emotionally responsible as well. It's about carrying yourself in a way that reflects what you've learned, not just what you feel. Before we wrap up, I always like to leave my listeners with a few questions to sit with. So take a moment and think about them. When do you notice your anger the most? What is that anger really protecting? And were you taught to express your emotions or do you keep them inside? And how does the environment around you shape the way you react? The next time anger arises, learn to pause. Don't just react, but ask yourself, what am I really feeling beneath this? What old wound or unmet need is showing up right now? Remember, you are not your past reactions, but you are responsible for who you choose to become. You have the power to break the cycle, to respond differently, and to shape the environment you're in. Maybe healing isn't about becoming a completely different person, but maybe it's about finally understanding yourself. Thanks for listening. I hope today's episode reminded you that you're not alone and that even one small step towards yourself is a win. Follow or subscribe so we can keep growing and living boldly together. Stay there, stay bold, and keep becoming.